The Truth

Ok so that last post was a lie. Sorry about that. Terrible, I know. In order to redeem myself, here is a guide to lies of the 20th and 21st centuries. If you hear these stories, don’t believe them. They are more than misleading – they’re untrue.

Bo Jackson is not dead. This rumor first circulated in 1991. The time was right for such deception, and the evildoers took advantage. I remember waking up one morning, walking into the computer room hoping to play some Chessmaster and have a pop tart, when Big James casually informed me that Bo Jackson was dead. I was shocked. This newsflash came just after he experienced his football career ending (and baseball career damaging) hip injury. Well, fifteen years later, people still freak out about this one.

Sidenote – Wikipedia claims that Bo Jackson is the only living man to throw a ball and hit the scoreboard hanging from the roof at the New Orleans Superdome. Potential lie? Maybe.

EVO, the band rumored to be insanely excellent, never even existed. In the Spring of 2003, rumors flew that EVO (stands for Emergency Vehicles Only) was just about to bust onto the charts with their single ‘European Stealin.’ With a frontman immune to snake bites (me, totally ass kicking), we’d bring a snake on to the stage, I’d get bit, the crowd would get pumped up, then we’d rock out. Behind these theatrics were solid fundamentals – Conor played drums standing up and Alyssa was the second best left handed turntablist in the world. We really rocked. I wish we were real.

John Basedow the ab guru is not dead either. Actually he might be. I’m not sure about this one, I’ll find out by the end of the paragraph. Conor texted me telling me that he was dead. I had no idea who he was. After one internet search, I realized he was the icon of fitness after whom I’d modeled my own abs, and I was devastated. About two years later some guy overheard me telling my friends that John Basedow was dead while we were in line to get into the Cat Club. He rudely informed us that it was a rumor. Let’s find out. Hmm, inconclusive. If Wikipedia doesn’t know, then I don’t know.

If you go to In’N’Out burger and order a Double-Double Doggystyle, they will not know what you’re talking about. A doggystyle was rumored to be a hamburger shaped like a hotdog. They’d just take a patty and turn it into a dog shaped thing, grill it up, and serve just like any other In’N’Out burger (so, conceivably you could have a double double doggystyle animal style, or whatever you want). I only know of people tempted by this one, and I’ve never tried it myself. You can go ahead, but I’d say that I’m about 99% sure that the double double doggystyle is a lie.

If you flush the toilet while with the shower running, pee will not come out of the shower. Daniel Gorsky told me this in third grade. It took years before I’d flush then shower at the same time. Turns out that there are other reasons to avoid doing this, especially in old houses, but not in hotels. Still though, the idea kind of creeps me out. This was a lie with an impact that stretched beyond the truth. Bastard.