Duck, Duck, Spruce Tree: An Interactive Media Challenge

I am about to describe five unlikely characters. At least one of them is real. Your job is to use your abilities honed in rounds of Mafia and the like to spot the finks and the stinks. In this game stinks = real people = rhymes with finks. Best of luck to you all, bastards.

Ardie Fuqua, Pick Up artist – Ardie wanders around warehouses in knit caps and khaki pants. He uses the boxes that are frequently piled up in warehouses to protect is position as he slinks about. If he is spotted, he darts back into a crack between two big boxes. While waiting in the shadows, Ardie hopes that the conflicted she mistress of the local crime lord will wander by and into Ardie’s clutches. When she appears, he will woo her. She will realize that Ardie is neither a bad guy or a good guy and fights for no cause, including his own. Then they climb into a box. If need be, Ardie can climb along a chain link fence that is hanging from the ceiling.

Assbag Jackson – This guy is a total fucker and he sucks. I hate him. Every weekend sometime after Renegade but before Bohemian Rhapsody he cruises by all shitfaced. He always wants more beer and occasionally light snacks. If he doesn’t see any snacks around, he will not hesitate to root around in your fridge. When he realizes that he’s driven all the chicks away, he’ll use your land line to call some slut ass ho and be a dick to her the way only Assbag can. Then he’ll use your bathroom with the door open, say, “Later, queers” and walk out the door.

Yolande Habib – Yolande was born in Paris sometime between 1926 and 1946. She emigrated to the United States at age 20, stopping briefly in LA before arriving in San Francisco. She became the queen of the YWCA, putting on weekly fashion shows for three straight years. She refuses to reveal her sexual orientation, but openly talks about the fact that it’s uncertain. She talks like a duck. Once she fell off a chair and quaked for about two minutes. This morning she asked me to get her a new chair because her chair was dirty.

Abe and Penthesilia – Penthesilia and Abe are constant companions. The two of them have started numerous discussion groups and clandestine societies, spawning such debates as “Comptroller vs. Controller” and “Nihilism vs. Everything.” They live in LA and have an unlisted number. I used to have it memorized and would call them all the time on the way home from benders, as they are skilled listeners and enjoy hearing about my indiscretion. Their cover was blown while preparing for the massive rising of February 2004. Their mystique took a hit and they went further underground, making public appearances only at the CK Café.